There are times in our lives when we have to ask for something, say no, or assert ourselves. And that can feel hard! Maybe sometimes we are interacting with a challenging person in our lives. Or maybe we struggle with regulating our own emotions when we have to have these difficult conversations.
DEARMAN is a DBT skill that helps us through these conversations. It is an interpersonal effectiveness skill that gives us a script for how to talk to others while respecting both our boundaries, and the person to whom we are speaking.
First, start out by describing the facts of the problem. And only the facts!
We scheduled a meeting for today, and you canceled our meeting 20 minutes before it started.
Simple, short, and only the facts.
Second, share your feelings about the situation.
I felt frustrated because I rearranged my entire day to meet with you.
I felt upset because I was looking forward to meeting with you.
I felt worried because I thought you had an emergency.
A: Ask, assert, or say no.
Next time, I need more notice before you cancel so I can rearrange my day.
In the future, can you let me know the day before if you need to reschedule?
Sometimes, this is simply saying thank you. Other times, it’s reinforcing the other person’s good behavior by modeling the behavior you want to see.
Thank you for being considerate of my time.
Thank you, and I will also give you the same courtesy.
Be present and focused as you speak. Don’t multitask. Focus your energy on being present to the conversation.
A: Appear Confident
This one can be hard! Remember that asserting ourselves can be intimidating. You are not alone in that feeing. Use the skills you have to appear confident in these conversations.
These conversations cannot be one-sided. If we ask something of others, we want to listen to their response as well. Sometimes, we have to negotiate with others. That’s part of being in relationship with others!