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By Kate (Katie) Pargament, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee
Most of us know someone who seems to always put everyone else first. Maybe that person is you. You say yes when you really want to say no. You apologize even when you didn't do anything wrong. You spend more time worrying about how everyone else feels than checking in with how you're feeling. On the outside, it can look like kindness or being "easygoing." But on the inside, it can feel exhausting. People-pleasing is often misunderstood. It's not simply about being nice. More often than not, it's a way we've learned to stay connected, avoid conflict, or protect ourselves from rejection. Many people who struggle with people-pleasing didn't wake up one day and decide to ignore their own needs. These patterns usually develop over time. Maybe you grew up feeling like you had to keep the peace in your family. Maybe expressing your emotions wasn't welcomed, or you learned that being helpful earned you love and approval. Whatever the reason, those strategies probably served a purpose at one point. The problem is that what helped you get through childhood may not be helping you in adulthood. Over time, constantly putting yourself last can leave you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and resentful. You may start to lose sight of what you actually want because you're so focused on making sure everyone else is okay. Setting a boundary might feel selfish. Saying no might fill you with guilt. You might even find yourself feeling responsible for other people's emotions, even though they were never yours to carry. The good news is that these patterns can change. Healing from people-pleasing isn't about becoming less caring or suddenly putting yourself first all the time. It's about creating room for your needs alongside everyone else's. It's about learning that you can be compassionate without sacrificing yourself in the process. That kind of change doesn't happen just by reading about boundaries or telling yourself to "care less." It happens by practicing new ways of relating to yourself and to other people. That's one of the reasons group therapy can be so powerful. A process group gives you the chance to notice your patterns as they're happening. Maybe you catch yourself holding back because you don't want to take up too much space. Maybe you realize you're trying to make sure everyone else is comfortable before speaking. Maybe you notice yourself agreeing with others when you actually feel differently. Instead of judging those moments, they become opportunities to understand yourself and try something new. At Taproot Therapy, we're excited to offer People-Pleasing: A Relational Process Group, facilitated by Blair Jacobs, MHC-LP, and myself, Clinical Trainee Katie Pargament. This small, LGBTQIA+ affirming group draws from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), attachment theory, existential therapy, and systems theory to help adults who experience chronic self-abandonment, an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others, buried resentment, or fearful avoidance in relationships. Together, we'll explore how to:
If you've ever found yourself wondering why it feels so hard to ask for what you need, set a boundary, or stop carrying everyone else's emotions, you're not alone. These patterns make sense, and they can change. Sometimes, healing begins by discovering that you don't have to earn your place in relationships by abandoning yourself. If you are interested in joining, reach out to [email protected] for a free 15 minute consultation to see if this group is right for you. Comments are closed.
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