Understanding Perfectionism

By Allison Torsiglieri, MPH, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee

Striving for perfection can be exhausting. What makes it even more so is the feeling that no matter what you achieve, there is always another “should”—another goal on the horizon. For some of us, perfectionism goes beyond ambition; it is a constant state of mind telling us that making mistakes is potentially dangerous. 

Perfectionism as Adaptation
Our perfectionism may have roots in childhood: a strategy we developed to make sense of and move through the world safely. As children our brains are shaped by our repeated experiences; if not making mistakes consistently leads to positive attention from adults—and mistakes lead to conflict or punishment—we learn to maintain “good” behavior as a way to survive. And when as children our environments felt unpredictable or our circumstances felt out of control, our own perfectionism may have felt like a way to achieve a sense of control and safety. 

Perfectionism as Self-Protection
By holding ourselves to high standards we may be trying to protect ourselves from the high standards of others. Maybe we figure that if we criticize ourselves first, others’ criticisms will hurt less. Or maybe we figure that by being critical of ourselves we can avoid mistakes entirely, thereby becoming immune to others’ critiques. Making mistakes can feel like a reflection of who we are—of our character. Perfectionism becomes tied to our identity, and to our sense of self-worth. To avoid being made to feel like we are not good enough, we endure anxiety and exhaustion from excessive self-criticism. 

Challenging Perfectionism
In reality, mistakes are a part of everyone’s experience. Often, mistakes can be indicators that we are challenging ourselves to grow. When we avoid these kinds of mistakes, we are holding ourselves back from growth. 

Instead of protecting us, perfectionism can weigh us down by increasing our sense of shame in ourselves. The first step to lightening this burden can be trying to understand our perfectionism and its roots. Start to pay attention to what perfectionism feels like in your body and in your mind—e.g., tightness in your chest, or a feeling of irritability. When we notice those feelings of perfectionism coming up as we fixate on a few sentences in an email or blame ourselves for something we forgot to buy at the store, we can pause and ask ourselves: what about making a mistake here feels dangerous to us? What are we trying to protect ourselves from? This curiosity can lead to a clearer sense of perfectionism’s roots in childhood, and to a clearer picture of whether we are really in danger when we make a mistake. 

Once you’ve practiced noticing perfectionism and developing that curiosity about its role and its roots, consider running an experiment: when you make a mistake, notice what happens next. The more times you can show yourself that mistakes do not translate to danger, the more you can start to train your brain to experience mistakes as safe—and even as a natural part of growth. 

Striving for Self-Acceptance
When we learn to accept ourselves even when we make mistakes, we can separate those mistakes from assessments of our worth. This journey—from relying on perfection to keep us safe, to finding safety within ourselves—takes time, patience, and support. Therapy can be a brave environment to slowly lower the shield of perfectionism, to explore vulnerability and pursue self-acceptance—self-acceptance as someone who cannot be perfect, but can keep themselves safe.