The Power of Forgiving Others and Ourselves

By Nora Carnevale, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee

You may have heard the phrase “forgiveness is for you, not the other person.” While that is a powerful statement, it can feel understandably difficult to imagine forgiving someone who has hurt us, or to imagine forgiving ourselves. 

Forgiveness, according to the Mayo Clinic (2022), generally involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. It is important to note that forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done to you or embracing the person who did it. However, in time, it can mean freeing yourself from a strong connection with the painful experience. The peace that can come from arriving at a place of forgiveness can allow you to focus on yourself and move your life forward. Another important note about forgiveness is that it is not aimed at getting someone else to change, it is about controlling what you can and removing the power of a painful experience. 

The Mayo Clinic (2022) lists some health benefits of forgiveness as having healthier relationships, improved mental health, less anxiety, stress and hostility, fewer symptoms of depression, lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, improved heart health, and improved self-esteem. Conversely, holding on to resentment can bring anger and bitterness into new relationships, prevent you from enjoying the present moment, contribute to feelings of depression, irritability, and anxiety, and lead to missed opportunities for connections with others. 

One strategy for forgiving someone else is to imagine what circumstances in a person’s life might have led to them acting in a harmful way (Mayo Clinic, 2022). It can also help to reflect on times that others have forgiven you. This can be particularly helpful to do through journaling or with a therapist. While exploring what it might be like to forgive someone, keep in mind that is a process that might not be linear; you might find yourself revisiting the same situation and forgiving someone multiple times before it really feels like it sticks. There is no rush and no timeline for this. 

If you feel like you have hurt someone else and want to seek their forgiveness, try to practice self-compassion, and consider reaching out to someone to express regret, without excuses, and including ways to improve going forward. While it may be healing to reach out seeking forgiveness, it is important to remember that no one can be forced to forgive anyone else, and to commit to respecting them no matter what. 

If it feels like further exploration could benefit you, try a helpful exercise for forgiving ourselves from Dr. Kristin Neff (2024), a pioneer in the space of self-compassion. The first part is to try to write about something you might dwell on about yourself, an insecurity, a decision, or a regret. Simply write down your thoughts about it and how it makes you feel. Next, write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an imaginary friend who knows you completely and who accepts you exactly as you are. Think about what a friend might say to you in response to what you are feeling bad about and how they would express the compassion they feel toward you. Imagine that your friend is telling you that everyone makes mistakes and is human. If you think a friend would gently suggest you make changes, how do you think they would communicate that while maintaining unconditional acceptance and compassion towards you? When you read the letter back, try to really take in those feelings of being supported and let it inform the way you think about it going forward. 

Arriving at forgiveness for both self and others is often a long and challenging process. Therapy can help you get there if you feel like this is something you could use help with! 


References: 
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2022). Forgiveness: letting go of grudges and bitterness. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
Neff, K. (2024). Exercise 3: Exploring self-compassion through writing. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/exercises/