Practicing Self-Compassion

Author: Lexi Campbell, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee
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​Self-compassion is the act of directing the same kindness that you might be inclined to show a friend who is struggling, back towards yourself (Neff, 2015). It is actively supporting you when you are feeling inadequate, experiencing a challenge, or recovering from making a mistake. Rather than criticize your shortcomings, self-compassion urges you to identify the pain you are experiencing and ask yourself: what is the best way I can comfort and care for myself right now? Self-compassion is an impactful tool to address our suffering because it helps us to identify our unique needs, feel less alone, and soothe ourselves in challenging moments. There are three key elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2015). 

First, self-compassion begins with expressing kindness to ourselves. Rather than judge or blame ourselves for our suffering, we instead try to be gentle, patient, encouraging, and supportive—much like a good friend or mentor might be (Neff, 2015). This helps us to feel safe and cope more effectively with challenges. 

Second, self-compassion is rooted in a sense of common humanity (Neff, 2015). It is a reminder that all humans experience suffering— which may differ greatly in type and amount— but that being human is the experience of vulnerability, imperfection, challenge, and at times, failure. When we are self-compassionate, we remind ourselves that we are not alone.  

Third, self-compassion encourages a thoughtful approach to coping with challenges (Neff, 2015). Mindfulness helps us to observe our struggle without judging it as bad or good, and instead consider the situation from alternative perspectives. It helps us identify less with the negativity of our suffering and more with compassion in how we might treat a friend in a similar situation (Neff, 2015). 

If you are interested in exploring the concept of self-compassion more, follow the guided exercise below:

How would you treat a friend?

1. Think of a time when a close friend was feeling badly about themselves. How would you respond to your friend in this situation? Consider what you would typically say and do, and consider the tone you would use when communicating with them.
2. Now think about a time when you have felt badly about yourself or were struggling with anxiety. How do you typically respond to yourself in this situation? Consider what you typically say and do, and the tone that you use when talking to yourself.
3. Compare the answers to questions 1 and 2. Do you notice any difference? If so, what do you think leads you to treat yourself and others differently?
4. Write down how you think things could potentially change if you spoke to yourself in the same way that you would typically speak to a close friend when you’re having a difficult time.

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References
Neff, K. (2015). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.