Making Connections: Navigating Autistic Experiences of Friendship

By: Zoe Chambers-Daniel, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee

People in the autistic community often experience social communication challenges, engage in restrictive/repetitive behaviors, and can feel overwhelmed by certain environmental stimuli (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). An autistic individual who has trouble engaging in conversation, interpreting facial expressions, participating in social events meant to build community, and absorbing harsh stimuli (such as lights, crowded spaces, multiple voices talking at once) can have a hard time forming and maintaining friendships with their neurotypical peers. 

A common myth about autistic people is that they prefer to be alone, when in fact many people on the spectrum desire social connection. Their social needs may, however, look different, which can often lead to misunderstandings. When asked what friendship means to them, autistic individuals that participated in research shared that friends share their interests, understand them as someone with different needs, and look after them. At the same time, autistic individuals may also perceive friendships as tiring because of the pressure to conform to neurotypical norms and mask their autistic traits (Black et al., 2024). 

When autistic people feel seen and understood, they report decreased feelings of loneliness (Mazurek, 2014; Sosnowy et al., 2019). Finding community can be difficult whether or not an autistic person wants friendship with someone of the same neurotype. 

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Here are some considerations when pursuing new friendships in a neurodivergent affirming framework: 

1. Connect through shared interests 
It can be difficult to start conversations with people you don’t know. Having an idea of what someone’s interests can make this task easier, especially if you share those interests! Consider joining groups or clubs focused on your favorite activities. 

2. Be direct & honest 
Misunderstandings and conflict resolution are a normal part of friendship. It’s important to express your needs and preferences clearly! Some friends are great at providing distraction when you are feeling upset, and others are great at talking through a specific problem that you are having. Making it clear what you need from a specific friend and the qualities that are important to you can help you find your community. 

3. Set clear boundaries 
Everyone has different energy levels and expectations of what activities are considered “fun.” Having a conversation with someone you are interested in bonding with about what situations typically lead you to feel overwhelmed and what typically helps you in those moments can help them understand your needs. It is also important to ask them what they need as well. 

4. Prioritize authenticity 
Prioritizing authenticity can be difficult to do when there is a pressure to mask your neurodivergent traits. Friends that accept who you are and understand your needs make it easier to be yourself! Conforming to neurotypical standards can make you feel more lonely even when you are around others, so it’s important to keep in mind that good friends won’t make you feel bad about who you are. 

Thinking about friendship and what makes someone worth connecting with is a personal and unique experience. In exploring social connection needs, remember to be kind to yourself. There are different types of friendships, and the ones that don’t conform to neurotypical standards are just as valid. 


References 
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596 
Black, M. H., Kuzminski, R., Wang, J., Ang, J., Lee, C., Hafidzuddin, S., & McGarry, S. (2024). Experiences of friendships for individuals on the autism spectrum: A scoping review. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 11(1), 184-209. 
Mazurek, M. O. (2014). Loneliness, friendship, and well-being in adults with autism spectrum disorders. Autism, 18(3), 223-232. 
Sosnowy, C., Silverman, C., Shattuck, P., & Garfield, T. (2019). Setbacks and successes: How young adults on the autism spectrum seek friendship. Autism in Adulthood, 1(1), 44-51.