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By Allison Torsiglieri, MPH, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee We strive to be supportive, reliable, and empathetic in our close relationships. For some of us, wanting to support those we care about can grow into a more extreme state of feeling responsible for them. When we start to feel that sense of responsibility, we may find ourselves in the territory of codependence. Codependence is characterized by a pattern of making others’ needs, emotions, and problems our priority—often leading us to neglect our own well-being. A Note on Language: There is ongoing debate around and an evolution of how we use the term “codependence.” It is thus important that we use it with intentionality and explain what we intend it to mean when we do so. We want to be careful not to pathologize healthy human behaviors that are characteristic of being in a caring relationship. It is also crucial to be mindful of a relationship’s social and cultural context, asking ourselves: how is this relationship influenced by cultural or gender expectations around caregiving within a family? Codependence as an Adaptation Like many of our behaviors in relationships, codependence may have at one time felt like a necessary adaptation. If we grew up in homes that were unstable or unpredictable, like having a caregiver who was emotionally volatile, this may have taught us that to stay safe we needed to become adept at assessing and addressing the emotional needs of others. Becoming expert at anticipating others’ moods and needs gave us a sense of control and helped us feel safe amid uncertainty. In adulthood, even once we have exited those higher-stakes childhood environments, we may persist in an automatic state of relating to others as though we hold responsibility for their well-being, over our own. Repercussions of Codependence While the part of us that seeks to care for others arguably has noble intentions, this constant self-subjugating pattern of relating comes at a significant cost. When we are in a codependent relationship, taking on someone else’s emotional labor can have negative repercussions:
Achieving Interdependence The goal of moving out of codependence and towards interdependence is not to entirely detach or isolate from others, but rather to achieve balanced, reciprocally caring and concerned relationships. This balance involves members of a relationship supporting each other, while also being in touch with their own needs, as well as their own identities and values. Ways to begin the shift:
Using Self-Compassion to Reconnect with Our Own Needs Shifting away from engaging in codependent behaviors and thinking is greatly facilitated by self-compassion, and practicing this over time. The goal is to learn that we are worthy and we are good enough even when we are not being overly helpful or selfless. This is a process of getting back in touch with our own feelings and needs and recognizing that these deserve our attention—and that we can stay safe even when we attend to ourselves. If you or someone you know struggles with losing their sense of self in close relationships, therapy can provide a safe space to disentangle what might be unhealthy in these patterns, and to reconnect with one’s independence. References Aslanian, A. (2026, March 6). Understanding codependent relationships. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/codependency-in-relationships/ Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & Belton, S. (2020). The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 18, 754–771. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-018-9983-8 Mental Health America (MHA). (n.d.). Co-dependency. https://mhanational.org/resources/co-dependency/ Psychology Today. (n.d.). Codependency. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency Comments are closed.
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