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By Allison Torsiglieri, MPH, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee We strive to be supportive, reliable, and empathetic in our close relationships. For some of us, wanting to support those we care about can grow into a more extreme state of feeling responsible for them. When we start to feel that sense of responsibility, we may find ourselves in the territory of codependence. Codependence is characterized by a pattern of making others’ needs, emotions, and problems our priority—often leading us to neglect our own well-being. A Note on Language: There is ongoing debate around and an evolution of how we use the term “codependence.” It is thus important that we use it with intentionality and explain what we intend it to mean when we do so. We want to be careful not to pathologize healthy human behaviors that are characteristic of being in a caring relationship. It is also crucial to be mindful of a relationship’s social and cultural context, asking ourselves: how is this relationship influenced by cultural or gender expectations around caregiving within a family? Codependence as an Adaptation Like many of our behaviors in relationships, codependence may have at one time felt like a necessary adaptation. If we grew up in homes that were unstable or unpredictable, like having a caregiver who was emotionally volatile, this may have taught us that to stay safe we needed to become adept at assessing and addressing the emotional needs of others. Becoming expert at anticipating others’ moods and needs gave us a sense of control and helped us feel safe amid uncertainty. In adulthood, even once we have exited those higher-stakes childhood environments, we may persist in an automatic state of relating to others as though we hold responsibility for their well-being, over our own. Repercussions of Codependence While the part of us that seeks to care for others arguably has noble intentions, this constant self-subjugating pattern of relating comes at a significant cost. When we are in a codependent relationship, taking on someone else’s emotional labor can have negative repercussions:
Achieving Interdependence The goal of moving out of codependence and towards interdependence is not to entirely detach or isolate from others, but rather to achieve balanced, reciprocally caring and concerned relationships. This balance involves members of a relationship supporting each other, while also being in touch with their own needs, as well as their own identities and values. Ways to begin the shift:
Using Self-Compassion to Reconnect with Our Own Needs Shifting away from engaging in codependent behaviors and thinking is greatly facilitated by self-compassion, and practicing this over time. The goal is to learn that we are worthy and we are good enough even when we are not being overly helpful or selfless. This is a process of getting back in touch with our own feelings and needs and recognizing that these deserve our attention—and that we can stay safe even when we attend to ourselves. If you or someone you know struggles with losing their sense of self in close relationships, therapy can provide a safe space to disentangle what might be unhealthy in these patterns, and to reconnect with one’s independence. References Aslanian, A. (2026, March 6). Understanding codependent relationships. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/codependency-in-relationships/ Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & Belton, S. (2020). The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 18, 754–771. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-018-9983-8 Mental Health America (MHA). (n.d.). Co-dependency. https://mhanational.org/resources/co-dependency/ Psychology Today. (n.d.). Codependency. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency By: Zoe Chambers-Daniel, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee
Self stimulatory behavior, also known as stimming, are repetitive movements that can help soothe ourselves when experiencing overwhelming emotions. Stimming can also increase focus, acting as a grounding tool to tune out distracting stimuli. Although stimming is associated with diagnoses such as ADHD and autism, it is something that all human beings do. If you have ever thought about stimming and what it can look like, this quick sensory guide is for you! There is no universal way to stim, and everyone engages in their senses differently. Vestibular Input - Roll neck and head slowly - Rock in a rocking chair - Tap toe, heel, or foot - Tap pencil/pen Tactile Input - Pet a furry animal - Twist your hair - Fidget with a necklace or ring - Trace skin with fingers Visual Input - Watch oil and water toys - Watch waves lapping the shore - Watch a sunset/sunrise - Adjust lighting in your room Auditory Input - Listen to your favorite song on repeat - Sing/hum to yourself - Notice the sounds of a busy street Verbal/Oral Input - Chew gum - Drink a carbonated beverage - Take slow, deep breaths Stimming can be a part of our daily lives without being fully conscious of it. This list of stims is a way to intentionally engage in our senses. This is not an exhaustive list of possible stimming, as it creates a foundation for you to create your own unique toolbox of regulation and/or focus! By Allison Torsiglieri, MPH, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee
Striving for perfection can be exhausting. What makes it even more so is the feeling that no matter what you achieve, there is always another “should”—another goal on the horizon. For some of us, perfectionism goes beyond ambition; it is a constant state of mind telling us that making mistakes is potentially dangerous. Perfectionism as Adaptation Our perfectionism may have roots in childhood: a strategy we developed to make sense of and move through the world safely. As children our brains are shaped by our repeated experiences; if not making mistakes consistently leads to positive attention from adults—and mistakes lead to conflict or punishment—we learn to maintain “good” behavior as a way to survive. And when as children our environments felt unpredictable or our circumstances felt out of control, our own perfectionism may have felt like a way to achieve a sense of control and safety. Perfectionism as Self-Protection By holding ourselves to high standards we may be trying to protect ourselves from the high standards of others. Maybe we figure that if we criticize ourselves first, others’ criticisms will hurt less. Or maybe we figure that by being critical of ourselves we can avoid mistakes entirely, thereby becoming immune to others’ critiques. Making mistakes can feel like a reflection of who we are—of our character. Perfectionism becomes tied to our identity, and to our sense of self-worth. To avoid being made to feel like we are not good enough, we endure anxiety and exhaustion from excessive self-criticism. Challenging Perfectionism In reality, mistakes are a part of everyone’s experience. Often, mistakes can be indicators that we are challenging ourselves to grow. When we avoid these kinds of mistakes, we are holding ourselves back from growth. Instead of protecting us, perfectionism can weigh us down by increasing our sense of shame in ourselves. The first step to lightening this burden can be trying to understand our perfectionism and its roots. Start to pay attention to what perfectionism feels like in your body and in your mind—e.g., tightness in your chest, or a feeling of irritability. When we notice those feelings of perfectionism coming up as we fixate on a few sentences in an email or blame ourselves for something we forgot to buy at the store, we can pause and ask ourselves: what about making a mistake here feels dangerous to us? What are we trying to protect ourselves from? This curiosity can lead to a clearer sense of perfectionism’s roots in childhood, and to a clearer picture of whether we are really in danger when we make a mistake. Once you’ve practiced noticing perfectionism and developing that curiosity about its role and its roots, consider running an experiment: when you make a mistake, notice what happens next. The more times you can show yourself that mistakes do not translate to danger, the more you can start to train your brain to experience mistakes as safe—and even as a natural part of growth. Striving for Self-Acceptance When we learn to accept ourselves even when we make mistakes, we can separate those mistakes from assessments of our worth. This journey—from relying on perfection to keep us safe, to finding safety within ourselves—takes time, patience, and support. Therapy can be a brave environment to slowly lower the shield of perfectionism, to explore vulnerability and pursue self-acceptance—self-acceptance as someone who cannot be perfect, but can keep themselves safe. By Cathy Wang, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee
With melting snow and warmer temperatures we are finally starting to see the first signs of spring! It’s time to come out of our bundled up coats and scarves, bracing against the cold and wind and just like the snow, take this moment to melt some tension in your body with a somatic awareness exercise. Throughout this practice, if you notice your mind has drifted, simply notice that you’ve drifted and bring awareness back to your breath or feeling of relaxation in your body.
This is an exercise with no stakes, just a simple moment to yourself to just breathe, notice, and be. Once you finish, check in with your body, noticing any remaining tension as well as spots of relaxation. I hope this exercise was able to provide some reprieve in your day and can continue to help in the days ahead. |
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