7 Takeaways from 7 Years of Therapy

By Cathy Wang, Taproot Therapy Clinical Trainee

Hello dear reader! This blog will be exactly what it says on the tin — I started therapy in my sophomore year of high school and knew from there I wanted it as a part of my life. Now, pursuing therapy as a career, I’ve been reflecting on some of the most lasting takeaways (in no particular order) I learned from my own time in therapy that I bring into the work I do. So follow along and I hope you find something that sticks with you too!

1. Your best may not always be the best
This was one of my very first “aha” moments in therapy. Growing up in an immigrant household and attending an extremely competitive high school, I was frequently stricken with imposter syndrome and anxieties that I would never measure up to the markers of success that had long been ingrained in me—straight A’s, a perfect SAT score, and the Ivy League. High school was also, not-so-coincidentally, when I was confronted with the reality that even if I gave my all to something, it still may not end in “success” (aka a less than satisfactory SAT score). It was in a session with my therapist, talking through the immense disappointment I felt in myself (and that SAT score), that my therapist noted this glaring truth I had always managed to overlook. Constraints of time, energy, and effort would always get in the way of “perfection” and it was simply unsustainable to continue chasing after it. What truly mattered was giving it my all and understanding that simple fact made the end result of a test score superfluous. Of course, it would still feel good to achieve “the best” and of course it was still a marker to shoot for but if I didn’t quite get there, I could rest easier knowing I did the best I could even if it didn’t quite achieve the best.

2. There are no “good” and “bad” feelings
When I first started therapy, it was my belief that if I did it right and if I did it for long enough, I would reach some hypothetical enlightened me that was eternally at peace. She was calm and happy and content. She didn’t get angry or sad or frustrated, those feelings would simply blow over her. In my mind, that would be the complete me, the best version of me, and someone within reach. With this goal in mind, I began to avoid hard feelings, labeling them as purely negative, fearing they would overtake me and hinder my progress. In reality, this only made those hard feelings bigger and stickier. No longer was it a reasonable sadness or momentary anger, it was some hulking monster that threatened my progress. When I brought that distress into the room, I realized I was standing in the way of my own progress—not towards that hypothetical me that didn’t feel hard feelings but one that wasn’t bowled over by it. Hard feelings are essential. They tell us something, teach us something, and make those lighter feelings all the more bright. It was then that I stopped fearing those hard feelings and certainly stopped seeing them as bad or a sign that something was deeply wrong with me. Feelings are feelings, they make up a human life, and it’s a privilege to experience them.

3. Two things can be true at the same time
Holding two seemingly conflicting truths at the same time is something I’m still working on. It feels at odds with the natural way of the world and is something I feel most acutely when examining certain relationships in my life. Someone could have hurt me deeply and I could still desperately want to be in relationship with them and be vulnerable with them again even as my scared sensibilities tell me to protect myself. Trying to decide which side to be on, if I should be angry at them or forgive and forget, wasn’t working as both sides felt deeply true. Taking the time to honor both those feelings granted me a needed reprieve and I find solace in the simple fact that feelings and life are complicated. I am complicated and to try and shove myself on one side or another would be a disservice to myself.

4. Don’t “should” on yourself
This is a fairly new adage for me and one I learned from a mentor of mine that felt particularly pertinent to work I’ve been doing in therapy. It’s natural to develop expectations—of yourself, of others, of the future—but more often than not they lead to disappointment and judgement. I often think, “I should be studying instead of watching TV,” “I should have reacted differently,” “My parents should have treated me in this way” and it eats away at me and my time. I’m left judging myself and my situation instead of actually doing anything. This is something I’ve also noticed in clients of mine. Often, they will report distress which comes as a result of not measuring up to some imagined and desirable hypothetical they’ve come up with rather than noticing and honoring the very real circumstances they are dealing with. Practicing patience and kindness with themselves and with myself has been immeasurably fruitful.

5. Believing something takes practice and time
So much of my time in therapy has been rehashing the same essential problems and reaching the same conclusions. At first I found it frustrating: Why couldn’t I just get these things through my head? This lasted until a few psychology classes in undergrad and some kind words from my therapist made me realize I have been guided by certain thought patterns for a majority of my life, decades of believing certain truths. How could all those years of strengthening certain pathways in my brain, mental shortcuts that define my world, change in an instant? Changing means changing my brain, it means literally building new pathways and of course that takes time and practice! That doesn’t mean I don’t still get frustrated (that’s a pathway I’m still working on) but it helps to alleviate the frustration that comes with some “shoulds” that inevitably creep up as I continue therapy.

6. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability
I believe it’s true for a lot of people that it feels a whole lot safer to hold our feelings close to our chests and guard them, especially when entering into conflict. It feels like the smarter option to prepare a logical argument or deflect and point out what may be going on for the other person. As I work to rebuild a challenging relationship, I’ve found myself trying to steel myself for upcoming confrontation, prepare a tool-belt of rebuttals but at the behest of my therapist, I entered into a recent one with nothing but the truth of what I was feeling (and a little bit of emotional preparation in the form of affirmation). The conversation was better than any we’d ever had. Did it still hurt? Of course! But we were able to see each other. I may be particularly lucky with the people in my life but I’ve found that vulnerability without defenses or presumptions typically breeds more vulnerability. Without the shields and defenses up, people are able to truly see each other. To be willing to share my hurt feelings and center the truth of the matter, that we are two people who care for each other, has helped bridge so many gaps. In all areas of my life, I try to lead with my feelings, with honesty that doesn’t bite, and have found that it makes those around me feel safe enough to do the same and open themselves up.

7. Be kind to yourself
I had to end with this one. I think this was a very apparent through-line in all of my takeaways but I felt it still deserved to have a line of its own. Through everything, give yourself grace, kindness, patience, and love. You’re quite literally stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. If you can’t make your own heart and mind a safe space, who else can? Don’t do yourself a disservice by making the skin you’re living in hostile. Be kind to yourself, give yourself room to grow, and don’t waste your time judging yourself for those growing pains!


Well, that’s it! I hope you were able to find something here that you can take and plant in your own life.